


Apologies

by apurochi



Series: Answers [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7840432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apurochi/pseuds/apurochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I want to feel something. I've forgotten how."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apologies

"I would never hurt you," Chrollo says. "Not unless you asked me to."

Kurapika stares at him. His eyes seem to say _you've hurt me enough_ , but Chrollo knows he's hurt him enough. They both know, and it brought them together.

Even with him so close, Kurapika can't bring himself to ask him why he did it. He's afraid the answer will be incomprehensible and that he won't be able to hate him for it.

"Do you want to come closer?" Chrollo asks him, barely shifting from where he sits, looking past Kurapika, past the contents of the room.

"Why did you ask me to come here?" Kurapika is at eye level when he steps forward and asks, taut and deliberate, waiting for a response that won't satisfy him.

"I wanted to see you." Chrollo smiles, or approximates something like it. "I'm guessing it would be in bad taste to joke about wanting to tear out your eyes and finish the job."

Kurapika rides the flash of anger smoothly and forces it to pass. "You have nothing to gain from me." He wants to add that he won't let him, but he stops himself.

"I think you'll find we disagree." Chrollo slowly leans inward, as if measuring a distance between them that will please him. "It's pointless for me to apologize for the unforgivable, I know. I won't bore you with the details."

Kurapika wants to run. He wants to leave, but he can't move. His eyes fix on Chrollo's lips as he speaks instead.

"I've lost track of what I wanted." He sits back up, contemplative. "It's frustrating, really. I started all of this with such a clear goal in mind, but it all just dissipates if you chase it for too long." For the first time, Chrollo looks at Kurapika dead on, and the unsettling void in his eyes puts him further on edge. Chrollo seems to catch himself on a tangent. "I'm sorry. I'm aware none of this makes any sense to you. It's okay. You don't have to decipher anything. I want to offer you something."

Kurapika steps back as Chrollo rises from his seat, lifting his gaze up to match his. He watches him peel his coat off very gently.  
"It's not much, but I want to make it up to you." He briefly twists to place the coat where he was sitting, and for a moment, Kurapika processes him as human. In that brief second, in that exact angle and shadow, Chrollo looks mundane. He smoothes his clothes and stands before Kurapika, eyes of void trained on him again from habit or interest.

"You can have me," he says. "You can do whatever you need."

There's nothing he can think to say. Only his fists clench reflexively. Chrollo continues.

"This is only a small portion of what you deserve from me, and sadly it's all I can offer." If he picks up on Kurapika's surprise, there's no way to tell. He attempts a smile again, but Kurapika is furious now.

"There is nothing. Nothing I could do to you would approximate a fraction of the pain I carry." He wants to feel redundant for saying something they both know very well, but Chrollo's gaze wavers at his words. In seconds his eyes are back to opaque blackness.  
  
"I won't fight," he says, as if offering it as an apology. "I can't fight."

"You don't want to fight. You must have your reasons, but I'm not asking them from you." These are meant as parting words, but Kurapika still doesn't move.

"I want this." Chrollo's voice rings like a child's who's seen too much.

When he blinks, Kurapika feels tears roll down his cheeks. "This isn't about what you want. You don't get to decide that slapping you around is going to make me feel better."

"I don't intend it to." He drops down to his knees in front of Kurapika. The movement is odd and doesn't resemble a plea in any way Kurapika had seen before. Before he can think about why, Kurapika places his hand on Chrollo's cheek. Chrollo closes his eyes.

"I want to feel something. I've forgotten how."

Despite himself and his company, Kurapika actually smiles and strokes Chrollo's cheek.

"I can't do that for you. I'm sorry."

Kurapika leaves.


End file.
